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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Moving on...

So this year has started off relatively well, no complaints here.

This one is a doozy too. This is the year that I bid my 30's adieu and welcome a new decade.

When I was a kid, I thought that 40 was ancient.  I mean we're talking a relic, a dinosaur, a person in dire need of retirement and most certainly out of the realm of being "cool."

It was my Dad who would often tell me that our bodies betray our brains and that he still felt like he was 16, in his mind at least) even when he was well over 60!

After watching Madonna's half-time show Sunday, I realized that the queen of pop herself, even with the ridiculously buff arms and incredible stamina, has had to slow it down a bit. We were only privy to a few pelvic thrusts and gyrations. Those damn high-heeled boots kept getting in the way, that and an injured hamstring so I hear.  But all things considered, the old broad brought it and really, how many other 50-something year-old women have 1/10th of the energy she has, gotta give credit where credit is due.

And she practices yoga...(just another shameless plug for my favorite form of exercise and meditation).

Enough about that, what I am getting at is that with each year comes new opportunities, opportunities to hit the reset button and start over, reinvent yourself or try new things. Whether you make your "resolutions" on New Years Day or your birthday or any given Wednesday, these dates are great reminders that it's never too late to start anew.

And that might mean allowing yourself say goodbye; allowing yourself to move on.

Letting go of the mental baggage that holds you back can be complicated. We carry around heavy loads, loads of guilt or shame or sadness for the things we may have said or done that we can't seem to shake. I say, there is no better time than now to let it go and move on.

Easier said than done, I know but dumping this extra cargo allows us to move FORWARD and gain a greater sense of peace and compassion for others. Letting go and forgiving others and oneself is never simple but once it's done, we can begin to heal and the possibilities for amazing things start to present themselves. When we no longer focus on the negative junk, we suddenly experience clarity in a way that we couldn't see before because our vision was blurred by the dense fog and haze that continually cluttered up our minds.

After I lost my dad and best friend two years ago, I knew in my heart that I had said and done everything right but there was still that nagging feeling that I could have done more; exactly what, I have no idea. Finding a cure for cancer would be a great place to start but sadly, I never did get that medical degree, thus I will have to settle for putting pen to paper and taking a different path, one that suits me well.

While it seems like I will never get over losing Dad and Suz, time is helping to heal that intense pain. It can be hard to see the lessons that come with such a deep loss, but what I have come to realize is that during their toughest battles, the battle to live, I gained a strength that I never knew I had. And even though they both lost their fight, watching them struggle to face their mortality changed my life in a way that I am just now beginning to recognize as a gift. I would give anything to have them both back here, alive and healthy, but the reality is that will never happen. So instead, I choose to live my life using them both as inspiration and I reflect on the memories from our time together with an deep sense of peace and love.  I am allowing myself to move on.

Susie would also have been 40 this year...on my birthday. Among all the things we shared, our birthday was always the most special. After 25 years of friendship, the last one we spent together was our 37th.  So this year, I plan on carving out some extra time celebrating her by heading down to the beach, taking a stroll and basking in the glow of fond memories from our time together.  Memories that were filled with laughter and joy, mixed with tears and pain, but mostly laughter and joy.  She was one of a kind, that girl.  I am blessed and lucky to have known her.

As hard as it has been to move on, I know that my best friend and my dad would both want me to let go of that pain and experience all the good things in life, just as they had when they were here.  "No regrets," I can just hear them say...

So when I sit down to write my blogs, I look to my left and see photos of my girl and I look behind me and see photos Dad, and I know that they would both be proud of the choices I am making and would encourage me to follow my dreams.  The two of them were some of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders and I have to believe that they are still there, cheering me on from high above.

The truth of the matter is that I am not really hung up on the idea of turning 40.  What's the alternative?  I am grateful and lucky to celebrate another year, another chance to reinvent myself, to start anew and try new things.  Perhaps the eternal Material Girl is on to something.  Maybe this is the year I start out with a fake British accent...

Nah. But I wouldn't mind those arms though...
 

1 comment:

  1. Well written, thoughtful and touching. Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete