Getting Raw

I am usually a happy, optimistic person.

Today, I’m getting raw.

Thank you for indulging me. 

Today, I want to talk about depression.

It comes in unpredictable waves for me.

I do a pretty good job of fooling everyone when it comes on, except those that know me the best.

Those who really know me understand I retreat into a secret space of self-loathing and disgust when my behavior doesn’t match my insides.

When I am disloyal to my innermost self, my core, the struggle begins.

It’s usually triggered by drinking too much.

This is also a struggle.

I ask myself if I am addicted to alcohol, or anything else…like food, or shopping.

Addiction. A mighty strong and scary word. 

Those happen to be the places I usually put it.

I sprinkle it out so that no single one gets all the credit.

It’s a balancing act of sorts.

*She writes with a tone of sarcasm.

And right now, I am at a crossroads.

A point where I am feeling lost and alone and panicky.

I’m struggling to find myself again.

It’s been almost six years since my dad and best friend died simultaneously.

Well, close enough with three days spread.

And every year, the pain remains in tact. The memories of their deaths, the loss I feel, the anger at not being able to share my life with them anymore.

It’s all still here, festering like a boil.

I let it out sometimes.

I do.

I go to therapy and talk about it.

I go for bike rides along the beach, or walks.

I cry.

These are the “healthy” ways I grieve.

But in silence, I punish myself.

I say I have come to terms with it. I say I am over it.

But there are most certainly times I am NOT over it.

I wonder, still, if there is something else I could have said or done.

My rational self knows there is nothing.

But the part of me who wants to save everyone, everything, doesn’t recognize that.

That part of me sneaks in and drinks wine, drinks beer, eats too much, dances on tables and sometimes gets into fights with strangers.

That person is really angry, still.

That woman has not come to terms with all of it.

Today, I am sharing this because I don’t want to feel alone.

And, I don’t want to you to feel alone.

Because, I know the truth.

We are all struggling, some of us worse than others.

Even those of us who seem to be the strongest have weak moments, hours, days.

But I still have hope.

So that’s something.